Banbury Crossroads
Independent School

- Because completely unrestricted freedom of action would make peaceful human existence impossible, some restraints on freedom of action are necessary and inevitable. Virtually all codes of action recognize that basic limitation. Liberty is defined in such codes as the right of individuals to act without restraint as long as their actions do not interfere with the equivalent rights of others; acts that do violate the rights of others are rejected as license.[1]

I was lately gratified to come across the above quote defining liberty, since I have been telling interested parties for years that it is precisely upon this concept that Banbury Crossroads is founded. I first heard freedom described in these terms in a book entitled, Summerhill, by A. S. Neill. Summerhill was a school in England run on democratic principles. Surprisingly, it is still a relatively rare occurrence for children to be treated in a democratic fashion within institutional settings. Many families attempt to listen to their children's wishes, to encourage all family members to be considerate of each other's needs, and to problem solve in a respectful and win-win fashion. However, when children are sent to schools, their adult caregivers tend to assume the role of emperor. Why does this happen?

Children are at a fundamental disadvantage they have lived such a short time that they are still ignorant of many facets of their lives and surroundings. It is this ignorance that prompts many adults to assume control. It is certainly understandable that adults must play a crucial role in designing the environment in which children exist. When babies arrive in this world, they are utterly helpless, and depend upon caring adults to provide food, shelter, and loving social contact. The items that parents decide for their young children are multitudinous. Parents make the major choices regarding family Banbury, clothing, diet, visitors to the Banbury, holidays, reading material, recreational excursions, hobby options, means of transportation, sports, hairstyle and music. Children need instruction in order to learn how to walk, talk, dress themselves, eat with utensils, learn social skills, and manipulate objects in their environment. Yes, children need a lot of input.

However, children grow, and the experiences they gain during childhood determine their future attitudes, skills, and interests. Children must experience the concept of liberty as a natural condition of living, so that they will embrace this philosophy as adults. How can we ensure that children will experience liberty? First, we must believe that this experience is necessary. I have met some adults who resist the idea of children making independent decisions. This is because they focus on the deficits in children's global understanding. They focus on the lack of experience, wisdom, and altruism that is certainly a hallmark of childhood. However, children learn through experience. We all do. In order to experience liberty, it is simply necessary for children to experience the practical workings of mutual respect, and thus of liberty, that are found in the process of problem solving. The primary prerequisite to solving problems is to realize that it is not a disaster to have a problem! The word problem merely refers to one of life's daily challenges wherein the solution is not immediately obvious. We all face these challenges on a continual basis, although the issues that arise vary according to life stage, individual personality and external circumstance. I fully realize that it takes courage to face critical problems with a view to solving them. On the other hand, it creates tremendous stress and dissatisfaction to merely stand by and endure problematic situations. It is far better to solve problems, since success in this process leads to relief from distress, self-esteem, compassion and respect for others. Anyone who has worked with children knows that problem solving is a natural and constant aspect of their dealings with each other and with their concrete and social environment. There are possibilities galore for children to become familiar with the exercise of liberty in their daily lives!

One of the most crucial elements in creating an environment conducive to the pursuit of liberty through problem solving is to offer a positive role model from the adults directly involved in children's lives. Adults must live what they say, since the children who observe them will copy their attitudes and personal approaches toward meeting the demands of life. We must actually welcome the opportunities presented by the difficulties and conundrums that children create in their lives, since these are the grist for the intellectual mill. Part of our role as teachers and parents is to help children learn how to think logically, creatively, and altruistically. As they grow, children must learn to openly discuss the issues involved in their personal problems and to actively attempt to solve them. Our engagement in this process with children is the best way to model effective means of confronting troublesome issues. Through entering thoughtfully and respectfully into a shared problem-solving mode, we are demonstrating the means through which children can understand and master their personal challenges. By so doing, we also make evident the loving care that children need for emotional stability. When children feel cared for, they will come to understand that solving problems is their right, that happiness is reachable, and that loving is an action that flows from their parents to them, and through them, to others.

The role modelling that adults provide is tremendously instrumental in the learning achieved by children. Although auditory learning can be effective for young children, the most powerful means of learning seems to occur visually. What children see has a practical impact on them and seems to be easier to copy. Oral instructions present the most difficulty when they are presented as negative prescriptions of behaviour. When a child hears, - Don't drop your banana peel on the floor, the image must first be called to mind of dropping the banana peel, and then a wiping of the mental slate must cancel that image. This is a complicated process, and it explains why young children so often do exactly what they are told not to do. It is far better for oral instructions to present a positive prescription of behaviour. In this case, it would be better to say, - Please put your banana peel in the garbage by the table. However, visual cues are much more potent cues to follow, and adults must be careful to watch their behaviour and body language when they are interacting with children. In this instance, it would be appropriate for the adults to put their own banana peels in the garbage. We must remember that our own behaviour should be consistent with what we desire from our children. For example, it is not helpful to complain angrily and whiningly about a child's whining and complaining. There is great importance in our being self-aware and flexible enough to alter our behaviour when necessary. We have to think before hastily responding from our old familiar, but ineffective, patterns of response. We too must be willing to grow. One thing is sure we are changed by our encounters with children!

At certain times in our cultural past, child rearing was seen as a process of cultivating traits pleasing to adults. Whoever coined the old adage, children should be seen but not heard, was cognizant that peace and quiet are easier to endure than conflict and pain. Most parents and teachers derive a certain amount of satisfaction from witnessing happiness in the children around them. It is natural and good of us to wish for success, happiness and accomplishment for our children. Conversely, it is dysfunctional on every level for adults to destroy their children's self-esteem or ability to master their environment. Indeed, adults who behave uncaringly or detrimentally towards their children's hope or future are seen as scoundrels by the rest of us. However, it is at this point that we get confused. We interpret the appearance of a peaceful heart to mean the existence of one. If our children appear quiet and tractable, we assume they are at ease and agreeable to their life's conditions. So in some manner of twisting the events, we also assume that if we demand a quiet and tractable exterior in our youth, that we are actually creating a quiet peace of mind on the interior. Unfortunately, acquiescence is not necessarily a sign of inner peace. As a matter of fact, it may even mean the exact opposite. You know the idea you can capture my body, but you can never control my spirit! When we really think about it, what we really want is for the spirit of our children to be at peace. Unfortunately, the route to achieving inner peace is often through outer turmoil and confrontation. What a shame! This means that we adults must be willing to put up with some pain and anger in our children. It may be only via the experience of working through confusion and anxiety that children can achieve understanding of their personal experiences, and appreciation for those aspects of their lives that work. Perhaps there is even a nugget of truth in the idea that happiness is appreciation. Appreciation begins with our awareness of, and awe over the mystery of life. Appreciation also arises from our awareness that all events in our lives, and all of our decisions, have been useful in that they have created the persons we have become.

Giving children the gift of liberty is also a matter of passing on the philosophy of self-responsibility and initiative. In order for children to grow in a positive social direction, they need to learn the attitudes and skills necessary to produce the democratic behaviour required of adults in our society. Since visual learning has such a dramatic influence, it is important for children to watch significant adults engaging in appropriately responsible behaviour, wherein adults are demonstrating the use of liberty in their own lives. It would be helpful for children to observe adults who consciously create experiences that please them, resolve difficult issues, participate in community projects, pursue personal development and openly analyze relevant elements in their major life choices. Through observing their parents and teachers respectfully engaged in these active pursuits of fulfillment, children will gain the idea that it is reasonable and possible for them to take charge of their own lives as well. They will also learn that negotiation is a malleable process of compromise. In any decision, other people will unavoidably be affected, and because of this, we must take every reasonable consequence into account as we make life choices. All of us must safeguard the rights of each other. That is the only way that any of us can have our own rights safeguarded. This is the connection between rights and responsibilities.

Beyond modelling their own exercise of liberty, adults must offer opportunities for children to act in the spirit of liberty. Children need practice in making choices that are respectful of both their own needs and the needs of others. So, the question must be at what point does it become appropriate for children to be given practice at decision-making? My opinion is that children ought to be given choices as soon as they become cognizant of the meaning of a choice. They should be presented with small choices at first. Do they want apple juice or orange juice? Would they like to go to the park or to the zoo? The extent and importance of these choices should increase with time. Part of the purpose of offering choices to children is to allow them to experience the consequences that come from making choices. It is most important that children become able and willing to accept responsibility for their choices. This, of course, may involve learning how to apologize, to make amends and to go on into the future with increased resolve. It also means learning that simply assigning blame for unfortunate incidents is useless, and more than useless, destructive to the problem solving process. Accepting responsibility for our actions may lead to embarrassment if we realize that we made a choice that caused problems for ourselves or for others. This is the possibility that deters people from accepting responsibility. However, accepting responsibility also empowers us, since we are thereby charged with the duty of doing something to remedy the situation. In turn, this leads to self-esteem, since we demonstrate to ourselves that we can handle ourselves under difficult conditions.

In any discussion of liberty, the issue of license seems to pop up with regularity. Some people seem to get the concepts confused. Yet, these concepts are as different as night from day. Liberty is at the heart of every balanced approach to child rearing, and to managing interpersonal adult relationships. Communication strategies that produce effective results have to allow for a recognizance of the needs of all parties. License is merely the exercise of a one-sided, unilateral process of decision-making that prefers the satisfaction of the needs of one party at the expense of the needs of others. This win-lose dichotomy is actually lose-lose, since the person who - wins is resented by the person who loses. It has become evident even politically that parties who lose conflicts will seek ways to rise up against their oppressors. All tyrants are eventually deposed. So much for teachers or parents wishing to become emperors over their children! License is actually the modus operandi of tyrants. Oftentimes, the general perception of license is that it is committed by children, or underlings, toward adults or - superiors. However, license can just as often be committed by adults, or people in authority, toward children or other underlings. License is merely the selfish exercise of power over others without regard for their needs and wishes. License is understandably viewed with horror by parents and teachers who are terrified by the spectre of enduring the selfish excesses of the children around them. It is horrific to raise children who believe that only their needs count. Their needs do indeed count; but so do the needs of others. Yet, it is equally horrific to witness adults who abuse the power they have.

In order to create a balanced environment of trusting freedom, parents and teachers must behave respectfully. Respect does not arise from fear. Fear may create that external acquiescence that is a wavering mirage. The real root of respect arises within a relationship of caring comfort where there is an intellectual acknowledgement of worth. Adults are the clear perpetrators of respect, since if they do not model it themselves, children will never learn its meaning. There are certain practical means of conveying respect, but used in isolation, they are useless tools. The spirit of respect must be present first. Respect is an inner belief that other people are as important as oneself. It is recognition of value. Tone of voice is a sure indicator of the reality of a person's meaning. Body language is another indicator. Once a person has developed an attitude of respect, the practice of it through appropriate tone of voice and body language becomes easy. If we truly wish to value another person's integrity, we will naturally speak in a kindly voice and use mannerisms connoting our readiness to be approachable. Speech, being a symbolic representation of thought, is a more complex means of communication. It can be refined in ways that promote clear messages. We must be very careful to convey what we really mean. If we really mean to be caring of another, we will not use sarcasm, belittling, threats, put-downs or other typically nasty forms indicating the desperate attempt to control. Rather, we will listen. We will think deeply so that we can understand. We will empathize. We will speak our highest truth. We will gather further information from books or other resources in order to broaden our base of possible solutions. We will attempt to find common ground. We ought to. We are interdependent. We are all on this life journey together, and we are creating our culture as a by-product.

It is clear to see that self-responsibility, mutual respect and problem solving are related, as all of these are in turn related to initiative and constructive action. Liberty is a group endeavour to safeguard the rights of individuals. I am happy and proud that in our small school, we can promote the philosophy and practice of liberty. I am grateful for the opportunity to be part of such a noble enterprise.