PRINCIPAL'S MESSAGE
February 8, 1999
To thine own self be true.
This is the month of valentines, of love, of open hearts. What is the most crucial priority in the giving and receiving of love? What is the most elemental factor necessary for the forging of friendships? HONESTY. Without honesty, nothing can be known by either the heart or the head. I am going to explore this concept, so that we may all approach Valentine's day with a spirit of openness, vulnerability and appreciation.
Honesty is actually the outgrowth of truth. Yet, they are different things. Truth is what is. Honesty is our sincere portrayal of what we know and believe to be true. Actually, since truth seems to be so ephemeral, influenced as it is by our widely varying points of view, our prior experiences, and even the accuracy of sensory information, truth seems always to be just slightly out of our reach, particularly if we are speaking philosophically. You may have heard of the typically frustrating question posed by philosophers: - Is this chair really here, or is it a figment of my imagination and senses? The pursuit of truth is certainly a common and noble quest of mankind, and it will remain thus until the end of time.
Certainly, there are things we know about our own and others' actions, motivations and feelings, and about concrete items in our environment. Nevertheless, the older we get and the more knowledgeable we become, the more in awe we are likely to stand before the mysteries of the universe, and the more we may question our long-held beliefs. As a matter of fact, any scientist is in the constant position of questioning the current theories of how the world and life work. What we have to work with is the reality that we can only believe, we can only have faith in the knowledge at our disposal. We may be wrong, but we must live with our beliefs, because that is all we've got.
In the meantime, we deal with the issue of honesty every day. Honesty, being the congruent portrayal of what we believe to be our highest truth, is the outward exhibit, the open expression to ourselves and to others, of what we believe inside. Honesty makes us transparent, and as such, it also makes us vulnerable. Nevertheless, it is to our advantage to be vulnerable with people in our immediate social milieu, since it indicates trust and it promotes mutual caring. It seems reasonable to me that honesty is necessary because people are social animals, and we need to feel connected with our social group. Writers and poets have always depicted alienation as a negative situation. In former centuries, when shunning was a practice used to punish those who found disfavour with the group, the very fact of being outcast was enough to ensure death. A person who was shunned was denied all of the necessities of life. In our culture, honesty is still a hallmark of nobility. We honor people with integrity, people with consistent reliability, people whose outside aspect is congruent with their inside reality. We also avoid people who are unpredictable due to conflicting messages regarding their beliefs. We create laws to discourage people from lying and cheating in advertising, in conducting business, in proclaiming professional status, in pursuing any action that harms others.
Why is dishonesty so dysfunctional? It creates illusions of truth that turn believers into fools. Part of the task of human beings is to learn how to master their environment. Believing lies prevents us from dealing effectively with our environment. We resent the detour that we must take when we discover a lie and must retrace our steps toward the truth. People expend a great deal of effort learning how to be both lovable and capable, and we want to be effective in our growth, since without these skills, self-esteem is impossible within the group. Perhaps a hermit on an empty island would not need these attributes of social connection. However, we tend to view hermits with suspicion, and even with a little disdain, assuming them to have been failures at assimilating into their society. We would have a hard time imagining a hermit to have chosen that life as being the best of all possible life experiences. Even people who specialize in deep and quiet philosophizing, such as monks, tend to congregate in groups and to generate ideas within the group. People in a group need to be interdependent, they need to divide up the tasks of learning, and they need to communicate. Therefore, they need to be honest with each other. Otherwise, what would be the point of communicating? The appearance of dishonesty is dreaded and despised because it destroys the trust in relationships, and without trust, there is nothing.
Considering how harmful, how hated, how distressing dishonesty can be in relationships, why do people choose this manner of relating with others? The answer to me is clear fear. I don't believe guilt has much to do with this choice. True guilt only appears within people's hearts when they truly acknowledge to themselves that they have done something wrong and simultaneously repent for this deed. True guilt is a matter within the heart and spirit of the wrong-doers. If people truly felt guilt, they would not want to lie. Most likely they would wish to repair the damage if possible, and to receive forgiveness if possible to make amends. I think that the choice of dishonesty only appears with guilty fear. This is the guilt that predominantly arises out of fear of consequences to oneself.
Whenever we encounter someone who uses lies as a modus operandi, we must ask ourselves what we can do to lessen that person's fears of reprisal, of loss of social esteem. This is most obvious and fixable in the behavior of a child. Children need emotional connection. They need unconditional acceptance. They also need instruction in life's little ways. When children are young, 3 or 4 years of age, they may lie in obvious ways to create fantasy scenarios. They may tell us that there is a Tyrannosaurus Rex in their house. This is innocuous. In the next breath, they may wonder whether or not they will see a shark in the swimming pool. They really are not all that sure about the world around them. Handling these fantasy - lies is as easy as responding with, - You sure wish you had a Tyrannosaurus Rex in your house, don't you? You may even join the child in the fantasy by stating, - I wish I could find a dinosaur at the pet store for you. I would pick a green, scaly one! This may still be met with, - No, I really do! You may just have to express your bewilderment over this statement, but the issue is small. The real problems with children arise when they deny behaviour you have watched them perform. The reason this is a problem is that it indicates that the child actually thinks you may believe the lie. This is strange, considering the fact that he/she may know you saw the event. Sometimes I think that children hope that if they deny it, it didn't happen or at least that you would come to believe that it didn't happen. This is a lot of work on their mental parts. All of it is simply to prevent receiving a lot of anger from you.
Children don't normally like receiving anger. Even when they repeatedly seem to provoke anger, I will never believe that receiving attention the negative way is the way of first choice. Sometimes children have simply fallen into a rut of receiving attention in predictably destructive ways. Nevertheless, if a child had a choice between receiving positive attention and receiving negative attention, and if the choice was clear and proven and equally easy, I think that most children would choose the positive route. But what is behind the word - most? Most emotionally healthy, secure and self-respecting children would prefer to be in their parents' and teachers' good books. What this means is that the background of the child must be established as securely warm and accepting.
It is in our best interests to nurture our children's self-esteem, to encourage their honest response to us. This means that we must be open-mindedly accepting of their opinions and feelings. This is where being judgmental gets in the way. Although young people may not have everything figured out yet and there may be holes in their arguments, it is less than helpful to immediately pounce on their intelligence by belittling their viewpoint, or even to judge each statement with words to the effect of, - that's good or - that's bad. What is helpful is to think, - that's information about their concept of reality. It is important for our youth to feel respected when they present their views. We must encourage them to stand up for their ideas, and then we must really listen to them. After that we need to present our viewpoints, with our reasons (perhaps with passion) and may the best reason win! Through such a process, children learn to think logically, morally and creatively. They learn to have respect for themselves and for us as well.
Another element that helps to create a healthy and secure environment for children is to convey with all of our attitudes and actions that we value, we cherish them. This means that we must consistently be kindly, loving, and respectful. It also means that we must be self-controlled in our expression of anger. Certainly, we must be honest with them, since we are their role models. However, being honest is no excuse for dumping on others to relieve our own anger or to carry out our own hidden agendas. There is a certain danger inherent in the concept of being honest that comes from the fact that not only the speaker is involved. ¡¥Being honest' with someone can deeply hurt that someone if underlying our own false honesty is the ulterior motive of the inordinate desire for control. Self-centered righteousness can be cruel. These motives proceed directly from fear and self-hatred. We must take care to develop our own emotional health, and we must be aware of the feelings of others when we communicate our sense of reality. Remember, the other person may not share our perceptions! The listener deserves some respect too.
Part of effective parenting and teaching is to encourage others to admit their mistakes by speaking honestly, and thereafter to recover from those mistakes. We must teach our children about the dangers of misleading others, and about the courage needed to accept responsibility for our behaviour. We must also teach young people to be gentle with themselves when they make harmful choices. They must learn when to assign importance to their actions, and when to minimize the importance of their actions. We must teach children that even if they have done something wrong or hurtful or embarrassing, it is not the end of the world. We must reassure them that usually, they will be able to make amends for those actions that interfere with the rights of others.
Hopefully, if we do these things, the children who are influenced by us will not purposefully and with malice harm others or lie about doing so. We are only children's parents or teachers. We are not their jailers or their brain-washers. We can only act lovingly and wisely so that they will seek us out for advice and for solace. Let us do this, for their sake and for ours. We also have to live with the true knowledge of what we have done with the opportunities given us to nurture the children in our care. We all have to welcome honesty into our hearts simply because we must, in order to participate in the world with our eyes open. We have to be honest, even if only to be able to acknowledge our own failings and to forgive ourselves, and thence to proceed into the future with clear and hopeful hearts.
So, as we approach Valentine's Day, let us celebrate the openness and the delicacy of our relationships with others. Let us appreciate the trust, the optimistic and respectful lovingkindness that is made possible by the honesty present in our most valued relations!
Given to you in good faith,
Diane Swiatek